Letting Go
I’m finally learning to embrace the art of letting go. Last year was a difficult year for me. And now that it’s over, I’m realizing it was because I was holding on to things that no longer served me. Things I was scared to lose because I didn’t know what was on the other side of them, even though I knew keeping them was causing me pain.
I was in a relationship that wasn’t delivering what I needed. I was unhappy in it, knowing that I deserved and wanted and needed more from my significant other. I tried for a long time, to provide space and patience for him while I told myself he would eventually come around. I cried often, and justified hanging on because at the time I thought it was better to have a sad relationship than no relationship. But that’s not my usual MO. I’d much rather be alone than to be treated less than I deserve. So why was trying so hard to hold onto something that was so clearly not right for me? First of all, it wasn’t a bad relationship. I wasn’t mistreated in anyway. In fact, he was one of the kindest men I’ve ever dated when were together. But we weren’t together very much. We each had busy lives and a good bit of distance between us. Finding time to be together was difficult, and I think he just didn’t want it as much as I did. There’s no fault in that; ultimately we just wanted different things.
If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in a toxic work environment, I think I would’ve seen and accepted that sooner. Instead, I was blinded by fear. I was terrified at the prospect of losing both my relationship and my job. Because my job felt like it was on the line every single day for over a year. And that job was more than just a job to me. It was my freedom. Ironic then, that I never felt more free as the day I stopped going there.
In just 2 weeks near the end of 2022, I gave up both. I finally realized and made the conscious decision to stop hanging on to whatever possibilities I had dreamt up for my relationship. It was done and over and no matter what happened, I’d never want to go back to that with him. And then less than 2 weeks later, I stopped going into work.
The decision to stop working was terrifying. I cried and panicked constantly. But it was necessary. My mental health had deteriorated so low that I truly felt it was the job or my life. I believed I would not make it to the end of the year if I had continued on that path. I'm grateful to have some very supportive people in my life who assured me that I was making the right decision. Both paths were going to be very difficult, but once I realized what I was actually considering, it was clear which path to take. Because no job is worth your life. Ever.
I had to let go of that job and the relationships I had in it. I had to let go of my income and my perceived stability when it came to paying my bills. I may have to let go of more things as I try to navigate this world of self-employment. But I'm alive. I'm alive in 2023, and I wasn't sure if that was going to happen. So I'm letting go of this past year and still celebrating this new one, and all of its possibilities.
