Mental Health

My "Letting Go" post was pretty heavy. And I'd like to address the mental health aspect.

I've struggled with mental health issues since I was young. There we go. I said it. I've never wanted to admit that because I've always felt my depression was circumstantial. "I'm not a depressed person. I only have it when I'm dealing with something depressing. I don't need meds because I'll be better when I get through this difficult period."

I still think all of that is true! However, the majority of my life has been one kind of depressing struggle or another. While sometimes I think I've been handed way more than my own share of hardships, I do understand that my reaction to circumstances is what matters. And if I get depressed every time I have to deal with something difficult, then it's quite possible that I am in fact prone to depression.

So what exactly is depression? According to the Mayo Clinic: "Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems."

While everyone can experience it differently, I know that for me, the hardest part of depression, and also the signaling factor that tells me I'm in a depressive state, is the affect it has on my ability to think properly: when I can't comprehend something that should be easy, or when I recognize I'm having thoughts I don't normally have nor want to have. I've done quite a bit of work in therapy and meditation over the years, and I'm grateful that my efforts there have helped me recognize and improve my reactions to depression.

But it's strange how depression can change your ability to think. I mean, isn't that all we have? Our thoughts tell us how we're handling our experiences. It's how we react, adapt, change, and reflect. When I'm in a depression I can't rely on my own thoughts, and that's scary. It's like I'm gaslighting myself. I can't trust myself to know if my situation is truly as bad as it feels, nor do trust myself to make any decisions, because maybe the only thing that actually needs to change is my mindset. It's terrifying, and exhausting not to trust yourself. That's what depression does to me. I'm lucky to have people I can go to that will listen and help me process my emotions. I'm very grateful to them. They're always there for me and they were crucial to me getting through these past few months.

Maybe my depression is circumstantial, maybe it isn't. I do know that it's temporary. It might never fully go away, and it might hit harder some times than others, but it will always get better. And I have the tools and the support network to work through it when it does come. There are always options. Even if it doesn't feel like it. Even if all the options are hell, pick the one that's least offensive until you find more options. And reach out.

I'd also like to say this. I didn't hide it. I wasn't forthcoming and tell everyone I met that I was depressed, but everyone around me knew I wasn't okay. Some people tried to help, and I didn't know how to let them in to do so. Some people wanted to help but weren't equipped or capable. Some people chose to ignore it. There is nothing wrong with any of those reactions. Not everyone can or will help. But keep reaching out.

If you're reading this and need to reach out to someone, please do. I might not always be able to help, but I will listen, and I can try.