New Job
I started working a new job. It’s in retail, and a key holder/management position. I needed some extra income while I continue to get Red off the ground. I left my last job somewhat unexpectedly, and certainly sooner than I had planned for, so I wasn’t completely financially prepared to make this business my only source of income. It’s unfortunate, because I really feel like this is what I’m supposed to do with my life and my time, and having to take 40 hours out of my week out to focus on another job is killing me.
The job is strange to me. I’m not sure how to explain it, really. It’s easy. So easy, I’m bored out of my mind 90% of it. But since I’m new and still learning, there are moments when I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing and it stresses me out. It’s the PTSD of being in a constant state of fight or flight at my last job. Every second at that job, I was so anxious. The boss there played mind games and manipulated and made me feel that no matter what I did, it was wrong. If I wasn’t working on several things at once, I wasn’t productive enough; I could have a list of 30 things to do in one day, and if I completed 28, I’d get chewed out for the 12 I didn’t do. And no, that math doesn’t add up because it includes 10 extra items she expected me to read her mind about. Oh, and let’s not forget the times I’d finish my list, and I’d still get chewed out because she’d changed her mind and took things off the list without telling me. The list was in her head. I’d write it down for myself and to try to get us on the same page, but it was never correct.
Anyway, I’m having a culture shock going from that job where nothing was ever good enough and I walked on eggshells constantly, to this job. It’s corporate. They have rules and regulations and safety measures and they follow the laws and pay taxes. They have training videos about everything. They’ll have me shadowing people for a month before they give me keys. If there are no customers, there is nothing to do. My coworkers read books or play games on their phones. They take real lunches and breaks. They sit around chatting about nothing most of the day, and this includes my boss. She’s been so cool and understanding; I keep thinking I’ll get reprimanded for having my phone on me or something simple like that, but she’s the type of boss who sees an employee’s phone ringing on the counter and will ask who it belongs to so they can take the call.
I feel extremely lucky and grateful to have found such a welcoming environment in this new job. Yet, I still don’t want to do it. I keep trying to force a positive mindset, and it should be easy considering how great this job is compared to the many shitty ones I’ve had before. But for some reason, I just can’t feel good about it.
For one thing, I hate being on someone else’s schedule. Being on any schedule at all after 2 months of self-employment has been an adjustment, but retail hours and random days off is even worse, since I can’t create a routine. For another, full-time retail hours are exhausting. I come home and just want to veg. I barely have enough energy to walk the dog and make myself a meal before I want to go to bed. Even my days off are spent doing household chores or running errands. I have very few hours left in the week where my mental and physical energy are high enough to work on the business, which is extremely frustrating.
Once I’m fully trained, it will be less much demanding/stressful. I will even be able to work on my own things in the downtime there, so I know it will get better. The frustration is temporary, it will get easier, and I will be back to business very soon!
